When your Child asks about Death / Wenn Kinder über den Tod fragen

If you are the parent or caregiver of a young child, then you know this experience: you are going somewhere (usually in a hurry) or doing something really fun, and then suddenly, out of the blue, comes a question from your child that you never saw coming. "Mommy, what happens when I die?"  "Daddy, will I die someday? Will you die?" We, as adults, are often caught off-guard or taken aback by such questions. After all, it's not a pleasant topic and certainly not one that we want to dwell on. However, it is very important to remember that such questions are a healthy and normal part of a child's spiritual and psychological development. How we react and what we say can go a long way in comforting and allaying fear in a child. Wer Kinder im Kindergartenalter hat, kennt diese Geschichte:  du bist unterwegs (meistens in Eile) mit den Kindern oder ihr macht irgendwas Lustiges zusammen und dann plötzlich aus der Luft kommt eine ganz unerwartete Frage.  "Mama, werde ich mal sterben?" "Wirdst du oder Papa sterben?" "Was passiert, wenn man stirbt?"  Wir als Erwachsene fühlen uns sofort unbequeem und wissen oft nicht, was wir dazu sagen sollen.  Tod ist natürlich kein schönes Thema und man will nicht so lange darüber nachdenken.  Aber, es ist wichtig zu erkennen, dass solche Fragen über den Tod normal und gesund sind.  Sie gehören zu der geistlichen und psychologischen Entwicklung des Kindes. Wie wir darauf reagieren kann dem Kind trösten und helfen Angst abzubauen. 

I am addressing this topic, because I run into many parents who are almost paralyzed by questions about death. However, taking time to process such questions with our children builds trust and strengthens both their character and ours.  A child's journey is one of trying to make sense of the world around them.  In asking about death, children are expressing curiosity about something that is unknown and may be trying to relieve fear about it.  As author Mary VanClay points out, children become aware of death at young ages as a result of everything from hearing fairy tales to interaction with nature.  Talking about it with a trusted adult gives them invaluable opportunities to process before they at some point in their lives actually experience the death of a beloved pet or a grandparent.  Ich schreibe etwas über das Thema. weil ich immer wieder mit Eltern rede, denen es sehr schwer fällt solche Fragen zu beantworten. Wenn wir die Zeit nehmen, um diese Fragen von unseren Kindern wahrzunehmen, dann bauen wir Vertauen zu unseren Kindern auf und gleichzeitig stärken wir ihren und unseren Charakter. Die Kindheit ist ein großer,, schöner Versuch die Welt einzuordnen, und deshalb wenn Kinder über den Tod fragen, drücken sie Neugier über etwas Unbekanntes aus und versuchen dabei Angst abzubauen. Wie Autorin Mary VanClay schreibt, kommen Kinder in Kontakt mit dem Theman Tod fast täglich durch Märchen, die Natur, usw.  Die Möglichkeit sich mit einem vertrauten Erwachsenen darüber zu unterhalten bietet eine unhelimlich wertvolle Zeit an, die Gedanken zu verarbeiten, bevor die Kinder in der Zukunft tatsächlich den Tod von einem beliebten Haustier oder sogar von den Grosseltern erleben.  

One of the things that I treasure about my work as a children's pastor and with Godly Play is that it provides opportunities for children to think about death in a safe place.  In the Godly Play story, "The Great Family", about Abraham and Sarah, the storyteller at one point encloses the figure in her hands, explains that Sarah was "full from her many years" (translated from the German!) and actually buries her in the sand of the Desert Sack.  It is not unusual after this story and others with similar themes to see the children burying the figures in the sand during the creative phase where the children are allowed to play with the story materials. This often shocks parents to see their children "playing" death. Children, however, are sensorimotor beings who learn and process play. Through play, they find the words to formulate the questions that come "out of the blue".  Ich schätze in meiner Arbeit als Kinderpastorin und mit Godly Play, dass die Kinder Möglichkeiten haben sich Gedanken über das Thema in geschützen Rahmen machen zu können.  Bei der Godly Play Geschichte, "Die Große Familie", die um Abraham und Sarah geht, nimmt der Erzähler die Sarahfigur in der Hand und sagt, "Sarah war voll an Jahren" und begräbt sie in die Sand.  Oft in der Kreativzeit nachher begraben die Kinder Sarah und die anderen Figuren wieder beim Spielen.  Das schokiert die Eltern manchmal, wenn sie sehen, dass die Kinder "den Tod" spielen. Kinder aber lernen und erfahren mit den 5 Sinnen. Durchs Spielen finden sie die Worter um später Fragen zu stellen.

When your child asks you about death, here are some things to keep in mind / Wenn Kinder den Tod ansprechen, hier sind ein paar Dingen zu beachten:

1. Provide a safe place for them to talk.  Keep your own emotions in check and be patient with their questions.  Don't try to distract them or hurry the conversation to an end. Schaffe geschützen Raum für sie zu reden.  Versuche die eigenen starken Emotionen oder Ängste unter Kontrolle zu halten.  Versuche nicht das Gespräch woanders zu lenken oder schnell zu beenden. 

2. Be honest about what you know and don't know.  A friend of mine, who isn't at all religious, was recently talking to me about this subject and asking me what I told my children about death.  I told her that, of course, I can't provide any scientific evidence about what happens to the soul/spirit when a person dies, but I did tell my children that God promises never to leave or forsake us and that nothing can separate us from his love, not even death. We don't have all the answers, but God did not mean for us to, did he?  Gib ehrlich zu, was du weisst und nicht weisst.  Eine Bekanntin, die gar nicht religiös ist, hat mich gefragt, was ich den eigenen Kindern über den Tod sage.  Ich habe erzählt, dass ich natürlich nicht genau beweisen kann, was wissenschaftlich mit der Seele und Geist nach dem Tod passiert. Aber ich sage meinen Kinder, dass Gott verspricht uns niemals zu verlassen und dass Nichts kann uns von seiner Liebe trennen. Ich muss nicht alle Antworte haben.: )   

3. After your child asks, provide a "playful" (by this I do not mean flippant) way to talk further about death.  Read a Bible story or another story together in which someone dies and talk about it.  Or allow your child to process with play figures such as Playmobil or wooden figures by making up a story together and asking your child how he/she feels when one of the characters die. This can help your child (and maybe even you!) process in a healthy way.  Nachdem dein Kind die Frage stellt, kann man weiter auf eine spielerische Art und Weise darüber reden.  Lest eine Bibelgeschichte oder eine andere Geschichte, in der eine Person stirbt, und diskutiert sie zusammen. Man kann auch Playmobil Figuren oder Puppen holen und eine Geschichte zusammen ausdenken.  Frage dein Kind, was es empfindet, wenn die Figur/Puppe stirbt.  Das kann dem Kind (und vielleicht dir auch) helfen die Gedanken zu verarbeiten.

Here are some other helpful articles that I found on the web / Hier sind ein paar hilfsreiche Artikeln vom Internet, die das Thema behandeln: 

• How to talk to your preschooler about Death by Mary VanClay
• Talking to Children about Death from J.W. Worden
• Mit Kindern über den Tod reden von Lacrima Zentrum

I hope this is helpful and wish you wisdom, patience and a healthy dose of playfulness when your child gets around to asking this question!  Ich hoffe, diese Gedanken sind behilflich und ich wünsche euch Weisheit, Geduld und Kraft, wenn die unerwarteten Fragen kommen!

Creating Spiritual Space for Children

A new year is right around the corner and many of us are thinking about our lives last year and considering what we might do differently or seek to improve.  (I  am certainly thinking a lot about this!)  I’d like to share with you some thoughts about how to create spiritual space for our children.  In this article, I am specifically speaking to our role as the parents of 3-8 year olds, but in the future I would like to discuss this role as pastors or religion teachers as well. 

What do I mean by spiritual space?  Webster’s Dictionary defines “space” as the following:  1) a continuous expanse extending in all directions; 2) area or room sufficient for or allotted to something; 3) an interval or period of time.  And when talking about our children’s spirituality, all three of these definitions can apply.  We are talking about time and a family’s rhythm. We can be talking about a physical space.  And we are referring to something that will extend out in all directions in their lives and influence every aspect of their growth. 

Here are some things that I think can help us to make room for our children’s spiritual growth: 

1) Pray and believe that God will engage your children.  I know many people who are anxious about their child’s relationship (or lack of) with God.  Relax. God lovingly created your child and He will take every opportunity to build friendship with her.  I also know other people who feel that prayer is a passive activity and that they must always do something.  While there certainly are things that we can do to encourage our child’s relationship with the Father, praying and believing is a way of giving up our control.  It is acknowledging that we are not at the center of the universe and everything does not depend on us.  It is acknowleding that a gracious God is at work in our child’s lives regardless of our failures or triumphs.  Believe me, the God who became a man in Jesus wants your child to know Him much more than you do. 

2) Make spiritual downtime for your children – time to talk about who He is, read a Bible story, pray together.  Children need distraction-free, unencumbered time to reflect just as adults do. Find a time that works best for your family’s rhythm. For years, we tried to do morning devotions, but most of the time it was too rushed and became just going through the spiritual motions.  I discovered this past year that my children needed this time with God at night in order to process their day and were much more open in the evenings.  Some nights they just want to “be”, but often they are very much wanting to talk and share what is going on in their hearts and minds.

Find ways to do this that appeal to your child.  Maybe there is a good children’s Bible or devotional book. You might use Godly Play. Or tell stories yourself from the Bible or about other Christians, saints or historical figures who have experienced God in their lives. Or ask your kids to tell you the stories.  One of our most meaningful evening times together this year was during Advent when I happened to have some nativity figures lying around and I asked my son and daughter (ages 7 and 5) to tell me the story of Jesus’ birth.  They alternated and amazed me with their insights and choice of words.  One might also use the church calendar as a catalyst by highlighting topics and biblical stories that coincide with the church calendar. Singing songs is another great way to spend time with God together. 

And perhaps this happens in a specific location in your house or apartment.  My kids love to gather on our sofa or on my daughter’s bed and snuggle as we are spending time with God.

3) Allow your kids to see spirituality in your own life. Pray authentic prayers with simple language. Admit when you don’t know the answers or when you have questions about something you don’t understand.  (We set our kids up for failure when we pretend to get it right all the time!)  Examine how you express your relationship to God and include your kids in it.  Maybe it is by caring for the needy. Maybe it is through art. Talk about how your faith influences your decisions. We are our children’s first teachers and if they sense that school, job and doctor’s appointments are a higher priority, then those things will also trump spiritual space in their lives. 

4) Cut down on organized activities.  Children need time to use their imaginations and play.  Where I live, there is a children’s class for everything.  I haven’t yet seen a class entitled “Underwater Basket-Weaving for Childen”, but I’m sure that Prenzlauerberg has one somewhere!  Your child doesn’t need to learn or be good at everything or have a playdate with every friend from school.  They need time to explore and express the world and their life.  When they don’t have this free time, they are easily stressed.

5) Don’t be frustrated if your child does not show interest or seem motivated.  Children go through phases.  The last thing that will help is making their spiritual experiences like school.  I have come to believe that a Montessori-type approach where a child is encouraged to explore his particular expression of relationship with God is ultimately the healthiest.  Let’s face it, as individual adults and even as whole churches, we highlight a only a few aspects of God’s character at best.  None of us alone live out the full Gospel in it many diverse forms and neither will our children.  That’s why we together are the Body of Christ and not all-encompassing, self-sufficient, autonomous spiritual beings. Interdependence is part of God's plan.

My sincere hope and prayer for those of you reading this is that God will help you create the spiritual space for your children that they need.  Just so you know, being a children’s pastor doesn’t make me an expert and I am learning all of this myself!  Please feel free to share your ideas as well.  And as we say in German, “May you slide well into the New Year!” 

Spirituality in Young Children: The Role of Language Development

Recently, three-year-old Natalie, the daughter of a friend, suddenly came bounding into the kitchen in the middle of the day where her mother was preparing something and jubilantly exclaimed, “Mommy, Jesus loves me!”  My friend was very pleased to hear her daughter saying this and lovingly confirmed her daughter’s insight.  At the same time, she was a bit puzzled as to what had prompted Natalie's statement.  It had seemingly come "out of the blue", but was it?

Children come into this world as spiritual beings, but also as non-verbal beings.  Understanding this is essential to cultivating spirituality in young children. In the Gospel of Luke, we find the curious story of the yet unborn John the Baptist responding physically to Mary's voice.  Research, of course,  shows that babies in the womb are aware of their environment and begin to learn by responding to external stimuli such as music and familiar voices. In the book Baby Minds, child development experts Acredolo and Goodwyn also share research proving that children are inborn with certain abilities such as rudimentary mathematical and problem-solving skills. However, while already possessing some amazing cognitive skills, babies lack an essential developmental skill that they must learn in order to make it in this world: language. 

This process of learning to apply words to our thoughts opens what Jerome Berryman in the German translation of his introduction to Godly Play (Godly Play: Einführung in der Theorie und Praxis)  as “the great gateway of language”.   The ability to name things, be it people, emotions, situations or problems, opens the gateway to becoming whole, mature adults. As parents, teachers, and pastors, we have to see children on the continuum of non-verbal to verbal and help them develop language skills to describe their spiritual experiences.   That means that we recognize and take seriously the non-verbal ways that children already express spiritual thoughts and help them put words to those experiences.

What is the non-verbal communication that children use? They communicate through their bodies, emotions, pictures and play, among other things. They are sensorimotor beings. Dr. Sonja M. Stewart, in her book Young Children and Worship, says, “Children do love and worship God, but they need to be introduced to  . . .  worship in a sensorimotor way. They need to know how to find the quiet place within, which enable them to get ready to worship ‘all by themselves’ . . . “.  When we pay close attention to what children are communicating non-verbally, we can better assist as they explore God on their spiritual journey. We can help them find the language to express what they are experiencing with Him and how to express that to Him in worship. 

Back to little Natalie.  I am sure that the simple sentence she excitedly proclaimed to her mother did not come out of nowhere, but was rather the result of several experiences in the past few days and pictures in her thoughts.  As a three-year-old she expressed in a perfectly age-appropriate way what she had been thinking about.  While it may sound simple to adult ears, it shows that Natalie is learning to enter into the mystery of friendship with the Creator of the Universe “all by herself” without prompting from anyone else.  And as her pastor, I couldn’t ask for anything better.